Trigger Warning: Forced Sex
I have decided to do a MeToo series, this is something I have been thinking about doing for a while now however making the decision to tell my MeToo story has not been an easy one, I have been going around in circles about whether or not I should post it but the universe has been coming through loud and clear over and over with the message that my story could possibly help someone else and that I need to come forward and tell it. My story is not about some stranger that grabbed me out of the blue and raped me but that does not make it any less difficult. I knew I would have to start off with telling my story first but it has been difficult for me to get the courage up to do so but I feel that it is important so here we go…
When I was married to my first husband he would frequently force me to have sex with him whether I wanted to or not, this was back in the 90’s. It got to the point that I just stopped fighting it because it would do no good because he would pin me down and do it anyway. I got to where I would check out of my head and I would just go numb and I would imagine that I was anywhere but there. It got to the point where I actually hated having sex (ugh I was turning into my mother, that was what I always heard her say throughout my life) and then my husband at the time started making fun of me and calling me frigid.
I did not stay with him long but it was long enough, to know I needed to get the hell out. Soon after I left him I told a couple of people about how he used to force me to have sex with him and they told me that even though he forced me to do that since we were married that he was entitled to have sex with me and I was obligated to do so. Well back then I was pretty young and naive and I did not speak up especially when it came to matters like this but now it’s a whole different story because if someone were to say that to me now they would get an earful and then some. Now I can’t even believe that someone would even say that to me (essentially since they tried to shame me by saying suck it up butter cup it’s your duty). Because of that I did not tell anyone unless I absolutely had to.
Since then I have had my work cut out for me with a long road/journey of healing and personal growth work. Thankfully I did the work because now and I am fully able to enjoy having sex again (this is one of the reasons why I do sensual self care and womb work). I know there are other women out there that have been through this same scenario because I have heard and read their stories. Most of them are in this circumstance are conflicted because it is/was someone that they were or are married to but just because you are married to this person that does not give them full autonomy over your body and if someone is having sex with you against your will at that point you are pretty much just an object for their own personal gratification and nobody has the right to do that to another person.
Until next time.