I had been through 4 decades of abuse, it started off when I was growing up. I grew up in house where my parents argued and yelled every day, it was a place that was filled with more bitterness than joy. I had a low self-esteem because of this. I went on to attract people in my life that also had low self-esteems and were abusive. I was very much a people pleaser; I would do anything to make other people happy just to avoid conflict and further abuse. This always ended up being at the expense of my own happiness. Then in 2008, I said enough is enough. At that point I knew that I did not want to be a part of this cycle anymore, so I asked myself what is the opposite of abuse? I concluded that the opposite of abuse was peace, so I went on a peace seeking mission. I meditated on my own every day and with a group once a week.
I dived in deep as to what peace was all about. I ended up writing and self-publishing a book about peace, here is the link to my free e-book The Principles of Peace: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/730864 My confidence was getting better and I was just starting to break through the cycle little by little. However, I was still trying desperately to make other people happy. What I found was that I had an enormous amount of guilt and shame regarding my sexuality that I needed to break through. In 2012 I started to explore my sexuality. I totally let go and broke down all the walls and barriers and explored freely. I refused to feel guilt or shame regarding something that is natural. I also started writing and blogging about sex and sexuality at that time also. When I started exploring my sexuality that was when I stopped being a people pleaser. I realized that my womb space/sacral chakra was where my power, creativity and my true strength and confidence was. The more I explored the less and less I cared what other people thought of me, it was a truly freeing experience. In 2015 I self-published my erotica memoirs (it took me 3 years to write it and a lot of courage to publish them).
Fast forward to 2018, my mom and I started having some conversations that had been a little deeper than just surface level. At that point I had not shared with her that I had been blogging and writing about sex and sexuality. However, she talked to me openly that her mom (my grandma) used to shame her regarding sexuality when she was just a child for things she did not even do. My mom had carried that shame and guilt her whole life. She had nobody to talk to about it either. So instead she held it inside and of course resentment and bitterness grew. Finally, I let her know, that I had been writing and blogging about embracing sexuality and letting go of shame.
I asked my mom why she and my dad argued and yelled all the time while I was growing up. She told me it was about sex, my dad wanted it, but my mom hated it. Throughout her whole life the messages she had been receiving was that sex was wrong, bad and shameful. Essentially this was the reason why I went through 4 decades of abuse (this is where it all started). However, it did not need to be that way, if only they could have opened the lines of communication. So many people are embarrassed to talk about their wants, needs and desires with their partners but that needs to change. People should not be embarrassed about discussing these things.
Open communication regarding sexuality is crucial because not being able to talk about it can lead to both mental and physical health issues, I am living proof of that. However, that has only made my convictions even stronger about it. I encourage people to have healthy conversations about sexuality and intimacy. Sexual repression is not natural or healthy however sexuality is. Now it is my mission in life to get the word out that sex needs to be whole lot more normal and a whole lot less taboo. Also, to get as much pleasure out of life as possible and to encourage others to free their erotic spirit!
*If you have any questions, comments or suggestions please contact me at: LadyL411inc@gmail.com.
Elle Le Blanc aka Lady L